She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
