Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
