I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
