I met the friendliest cop last night
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
