The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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