I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
