On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
