oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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