It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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