i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
