just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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