Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
