I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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