there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
