first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
where are my eyebrows?
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