Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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