my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
