just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
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