I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
