Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
