Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
