I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
