Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
