my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
you inspire me to be a worse person
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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