porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
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I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
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My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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