I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma