Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just threw up on my dentist
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
He kissed a someone with a penis
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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