Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
