so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
