I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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