I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
