based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
