Got a toothbrush?
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize