I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
