Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Randomize
