Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
