Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize