hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
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and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
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Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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