Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Randomize
