Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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