He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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