Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
