I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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