Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
