What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
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He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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