i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
