I met the friendliest cop last night
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
