Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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