yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
