I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Randomize
