why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
