One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
