First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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