she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
