I looked at my own cervix.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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