Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
