Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
