Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
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My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
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Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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